Commitment phobia part 2…
Last week I sparked a bit of controversy (mostly within myself ) about this looming issue of commitment phobia. Am I afraid of compromising my space,time,love for all things me? Without even realising it? So I took the time to educate myself on the subject which allowed me to identify myself as an oblivious commitment phobe Which is great for me to finally start correcting my thoughts and behaviour to amend my unintentional actions.
Some other reasons I have acknowledged that WE can be guilty of :
• Living in a fantasy – We all have our “dream” person. From persona to physical attractiveness and intellectual charm and stimulation. Most of which is undoubtedly influenced by society. This ideal person though, is a mere fallacy. A distraction really. A fictional person that we pine for, and hold on for, in hope that we will meet. And anyone that we may meet now we tend to judge against our made up perfect person. Romantic movies and carefully orchestrated social media have you thinking that you should be either waiting for or looking for the perfect one. Instead of actually taking the time to meet someone and allow nature to take its course. Remember the saying, you cannot attract what you do not become? Are you really searching for the perfect person yet you won’t own up to and deal with your own inner conflict? Don’t get me wrong you are entitled to want what and whom you please, but there is a fine line between fantasy and reality. We get so caught up in the fantasy of the perfect person we fail to see the opportunities that are presented to us.
Being in a relationship allows the opportunity for growth and love and a deeper connection. You grow to love beyond your partner’s imperfections as they do yours. The beauty of love is looking beyond the obvious and easy and appreciate the perfect imperfections in someone else. We are all guilty of wanting a drama-free relationship that grows from strength to strength with no or minimal alterations. Yet these small grievances fortify the bond in a relationship and intensify intimacy. Acknowledging and accepting someone’s weaknesses allows them the opportunity to do the same for you. For someone to love you beyond your neuroses and bipolar tendencies (We all have them) is pure gold. That is love. Not some twisted version you may have cooked up in your head thanks to modern day telenovelas.
• Unrequited Love – The worst misery but best poetry. Most romantic poet’s greatest work stem from unrequited love. Loving someone passionately, whole-heartedly and unconditionally only to learn that this is one sided, is more than enough to break you as a person. To love another is a risk on it’s own. To love and basically give apart of yourself to someone else is bravery because it’s an investment. Now when you learn that this love is not reciprocated, your natural instinct is to revert back to how your life was before you met this person. No sadness, no physical pain as if someone performed open heart surgery on you. You start to question yourself. Why would you ever allow yourself to feel such pain again. These thoughts consume and become you. This type of love is crippling. The fear it instils and guards it forces up is hard to overcome. You become so emotionless as a choice than to be vulnerable again. The thought of risking it all again would have you thinking an asylum is rather where you would spend that time.
Here’s the thing though. Having loved and lost is by far better than never loving at all. Intense emotions require a lot from a person. You are already capable. Allow for your experience to be your greatest lesson. Taking a chance like this again though cannot or rather should not occur soon after your heartbreak. Acknowledge your time to grieve. Mourn the love you thought existed. LET IT GO. And start taking proactive steps to learn about yourself and how you can use this to treat your future experiences differently. You know better. Your emotions will guide you to figure out what it is that you should spend time on figuring out on your own. The greatest self-development occurs after a mind shifting experience. Use your emotions as a tool. Develop your emotional intelligence. This is far more rewarding than you assume.
Love can be a mess. A toxic whirlwind of emotions. This is what life is made for. You cannot crave a love so deep and intense without experiencing it at it’s worst as defined by you. The appreciation would not be there. Grow yourself. Love yourself first then pursue another. Do not desire mediocre love. Yearn for that intense and passionately crazy feeling. You deserve it.
“Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of happy mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give”.- Bertrand Russell.